Date: Tuesday, 11/5/2024, 12:40 AM
Mood: sleepy...
I'm back to keeping a diary again... or at least, I hope I'll keep up with it this time. I made another one last summer, right before everything went very terribly for me. Only one entry ended up getting done before my life, temporarily, fell apart.
I've been doing better since then, thankfully. My mother and I have both had the misfortune of some very odd nightmares lately... she told me over lunch the other day that she started a dream journal. That conversation made me remember when I used to write down aspects of my life as well... but it was never so practical as journaling. I never recorded the truth of what I felt, or reflected on the day... I just filled my memories with soft pink things and rambled on about nothing.
Of course, here I am doing it again. Rambling is a bad habit of mine, but I hope having somewhere proper to do it will keep me from being a bother to my friends any longer.
Right now, I'm spending my time with a group of seven, including myself. That's online, at least. In real life, I only have one friend my age. She's my roommate, and she's a very good one. She's excited to decorate for Christmas, so I'm preparing myself for tinsel. Other than that, I have my brother, but he's no kid. He's growing up and getting into trouble, and it's not my job to chaperone him... but I miss him all the time. He's the most precious person to me.
I'm very tired, so I can't go on anymore. I'll write down more... I should start a dream section for this too, just to keep track of my nightmares. Dream analysis is complete bunk, but they're interesting to look back on...
Goodnight, goodnight... let's fall asleep forever, now...
Date: Thursday, 11/7/2024, 11:20PM
Mood: on edge
Hello. The election results were yesterday.
At the moment, not much has changed. I have gone to sleep and experienced perfect dreamlessness for two days. I've forgotten how much of a luxury that can be. Yesterday, I slept while four of my six cherished chattered through the phone. It was a bit embarrassing, but I hope they know that it was an act of trust from me.
How corny is that? Saying those things out loud. "I trust you, I love you, here I am in weakness"... as if that's not always been the case. I'm no distant, mysterious figure. They've all heard me laugh so hard I cough up a lung. I wish I could talk about my feelings more, but at the end of the day... it's all so cringey. Perhaps it's my desire for masculinity that stops me. Regardless, I'm happy I made that step with them.
My silliest dream is to curl up on the floor in a blanket while there is conversation all around me by people I know will not take advantage or pick at me while I rest. It's almost grossly domestic and mundane, but feels impossible all the same. I don't want to put my faith fully into anything yet. For now, I'm willing to take a step... just one.
All that stuff about dreams and wishes and intangible things is well and good, but around me, my country is withering. I've always been far too childish about politics, I think. Fear grips me easily. Contentment does too, and that's far scarier. "I've survived this before, so it will be fine"... "The world keeps turning, so there's no need to worry"...
I scorn myself for even thinking that way. I must learn to be better.
I'm too tired to get any good arguments or points across about the situation my loved ones and I are in. I'm really just jabbering about this and that and whatever. When I'm feeling more up to it, I'll express my feelings in a more succinct way.
For now, goodnight. Please live and eat well.
